Denise wasn’t like Margot, sobbing for days. But then she was 13 to Margot’s ten. Instead of tears there was silence, a lack of responsiveness. It was several days before Denise’s parents realized that something was wrong. However, to their question,"Are you all right? You’ve been so quiet." there was a noncommittal "I’m fine." After a few more days of Denise’s strange silence both parents became concerned. They began to suspect horrific possibilities: something dreadful must have been done to their beloved daughter.

By the time Denise’s mother saw me two weeks later the silence and lack of responsiveness on part of her usually talkative daughter had her frantic. "Please, please talk to her. See if you can figure out what happened. It must have been something really awful."

The two of them arrived the following day. While her mother waited inside the house the sullen teenager and I walked into the garden. On an intuitive hunch I said:"That must have been a big disappointment to make you feel this rotten." For a moment there was no answer. But after two weeks of silence the timing was right. Denise was ready to talk. It came out in a torrent. Patsy and she had been best friends. That was after she had befriended Patsy, the girl no one liked because she had a rejected look, and came from a family – well, there definitely was something wrong. Denise didn’t think the way her friends treated Patsy was fair. So she went out of her way to be kind. And that’s how gradually she and Patsy became best friends. They did everything together, sharing confidences the way girls do. Denise was especially pleased with her success at having Patsy become a part of her network of other friends. It was shortly thereafter that it happened. At first Patsy would snicker about things Denise said. Then gradually her caustic remarks using confidences as a weapon became more and more embarrassing. Before long Denise was the rejected one, the humiliated one.

After describing what had happened, Denise with her face reflecting distress finally looked at me. The interchange between us that followed went something like this: "Have you ever had a best friend turn on you like that?"

My response was a rhetorical "Of course, we all have." But as Denise kept looking at me, waiting for a real answer, what flashed through my mind was not a childhood friend. Instead it was Noelle. We had already finished graduate school when she became my best friend; that was until years later after the death of my husband, when I most needed the support of friends. Then she suddenly had no time for even a simple telephone call. Slowly it dawned on me that I had ceased to be useful to her. It would be a long time before I’d be having parties, quite a while before there would be the usual useful contacts. There was nothing to be gained by maintaining our friendship. When shortly thereafter she took a position in another city she vanished out of my life, although at the same time taking advantage of past professional contacts I had established for her. Something of what had passed through my mind must have shown on my face. For Denise said very softly,"You too?"

I had to laugh. "You’re already a budding psychologist." But then seeing Denise’s continuing questioning look,"Yes, a friend who I had thought was for real turned out to be just someone who used me. And when I stopped being useful I was dumped."

"Did you ever get over it?"

"Oh, goodness yes. I realized I had made a mistake. There are times when you have invested yourself in a relationship that turns out to be worthless. After a while your own lack of perception begins to strike you as stupid, even funny. And as you get more experienced you are able to laugh fairly soon after someone kicks you around like that. You see your eager naivete and innocence as a bit ridiculous. I guess that’s how you learn to be a better judge of people and situations, and so it’s less likely to happen."

"Has it happened to you recently?"

Another personal question! But then I was reminded of Drew. It had occurred just a few months before. Like Denise’s Patsy, Drew had been the rejected one. In many ways it was an especially mean rejection for it happened after the death of Drew’s husband. Which is probably why I found myself rushing to the rescue. But looking back that in itself should have – but it didn’t warn me. And maybe on another occasion my rushing to the rescue would have led to a real friendship. Instead Drew leveraged our relationship for what turned out to be momentary popularity. Like Denise’s Patsy, she made me the rejected, the humiliated one. But that didn’t last. And before long Drew again became the rejected one.

I had to laugh as I said to Denise, "Yes, it happened again just a short time ago. But it wasn’t a best friend. It takes longer to become best friends as you get more experience. You take to heart Polonius’ advice to his son Laertes in Shakespeare’s Hamlet."

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel. But do not dull thy palm with entertainment Of each new-hatch’d unfledged comrade.

"That’s sound advice. And after a while you get better at taking that advice. Patsy failed the adoption test. She’s definitely not the sort of person to 'grapple to your soul with hoops of steel.’ No more than my new-fangled friend was." I couldn’t help grinning at Denise as I said this. The look of distress left her face as we both laughed.

In a more relaxed mood Denise said thoughtfully. "It was so mean, so very mean. How could she? And why did she?"

"Those are good questions. For aside from being mean, Patsy was stupid. Friendship is much too precious to be thrown away for a momentary sense of importance, of power; which Patsy thought she had gained. She indulged herself in a delusion. On an intuitive level your classmates now know that Patsy can’t be counted on, that she can’t be trusted. And so her popularity will be for the moment. Which means she has made herself a double looser. But maybe Patsy will also learn from this experience. Maybe she will learn to cherish friendship as a great gift. As for what you can do now? - If you can maintain your cool during this difficult period, things will return more or less to where they were before you and Patsy became friends. Except that the experience can help you become a bit more worldly wise. And we can all use that!?

"I don’t think I’ll ever be friends with anyone again." As she said this there was a combination of anger and hurt on Denise’s face.

"To the contrary. You have learned the requirements of a real friendship. You now know that the essential prerequisites, the most important components that make up a friendship are loyalty and commitment. Without these we’re not really friends. There’s a difference between being acquaintances and being friends. Our American culture usually doesn’t make that verbal distinction. We label as friends what in many cultures are referred to as acquaintances. Being a friendly lot, we Americans call each other friends after a few handshakes. But that doesn’t mean that we are now committed to each other or for that matter will be loyal. Commitment and loyalty have to pass the test of time."

"But Patsy and I did more than shake hands. We did things together all the time. She told me all sorts of things about her family, about herself. And of course I . . ." Denise’s voice trailed off. She was recalling what Patsy had done with their shared confidences.

"Patsy didn’t pass the test of time. Remember 'Those friends thou hast and their adoption tried. . .’ Patsy didn’t pass the adoption test because she lacked both loyalty and commitment. Maybe it’s just as well you found out sooner rather than later. Later could have been a lot worse."

"I never want to get hurt like this again. I don’t think I could stand it. I think I’ll always be scared it will happen again." There was more than a note of bitterness in Denise’s voice.

"But just think of the wonderful experiences of loyalty and commitment you’ve already had. Your Mom and Dad have been worried sick about who or what could have hurt you because they are committed and loyal to you. Maybe it’s because you’re so used to loyalty and commitment that you automatically expected it from Patsy. It’s what you’ve always experienced at home. And from what Patsy told you, that’s not what she got from her home."

? But that’s no reason for her to have been so mean!? ? Of course it isn’t. However, you have learned something terribly important. You now know first hand how much meanness and envy hurt when loyalty and commitment are expected. That’s how we learn never, never to do what Patsy did to anyone else. It’s just too cruel. The really biggie to gain out of all of this is the realization that you want to be a person who is capable of loyalty and commitment; that you know what is involved in being a real friend.?

"But why should you try to be friends in the first place, when this keeps on happening?"

"The reason we keep trying is because when a friendship is for real the emotional rewards are so great. That’s why it’s worthwhile to keep on extending yourself – despite the Patsys of the world. Besides you get better at recognizing a potential Patsy. And you learn not to over-invest yourself emotionally in newly acquired maybe friends. You remember that phrase ëand their adoption tried.’ Patsy failed the adoption test; just like some of my supposed friends. True friendships have to ripen, have to pass the test that time places on them."

Denise continued to look concerned. There was something more that was bothering her. Eventually she found the words. "It seems as though everywhere I look there are people like Patsy, people you can’t trust."

How many times have I heard similar cries from others as well as from myself! I gave Denise the answer I give myself on those occasions. "We all have the tendency to take for granted, to accept as our due the good things in life – like supportive parents, teachers and sometimes friends. But when someone fails to live up to our expectations, when things go wrong, when we get hurt, we tend to get overwhelmed by the pain and forget the important goodies that have been and are ours." Denise looked thoughtful. She nodded, then asked"Why?"

"I think it’s something out of our human past. Getting hurt in that past usually meant physical harm, which could be life threatening. So the brain, the heart, the hormones, sent us danger signals. These signals told humans in the past and continue to tell us in the present that we must avoid such dangers. We still respond as though we humans were living in the jungle. That also applies to betrayal, which is how you perceived what Patsy did. For betrayal in our past and sometimes even in the present can be physically dangerous. However, Patsy’s betrayal, although painful, wasn’t really dangerous – even though it felt like it."

Denise laughed as she said, "Maybe that explains why I felt like I’d been mauled by a tiger." As I looked at Denise’s face, which despite her laughter still expressed concern I brought up "The other biggie. It’s that you want to continue to be the generous person who rushed to rescue the rejected Patsy. You wanted fairness for Patsy because you believed that’s how the world should be. And maybe in the long run Patsy will be able to reciprocate a friendship. You may have started her on that journey. One thing I’ve always thought unfair is that we frequently don’t get rewarded for our generosity, decency, and yes charity. We have to do these for their own sake. They are not the basis for a friendship – as I found out again just a few months ago. Being rewarded with gratitude is not the reason for being a giving person. The reason for giving has to be that that’s how we want the world to be."

Denise wrinkled her nose. "I don’t think I like ungrateful people. No, I definitely don’t like people who can’t be grateful."

"Neither do I." And we both laughed.

"Are you going to tell Mom what I told you?"

"Not unless you want me to. I think it should come from you - when you’re ready."

‘Thanks." And with that we headed back. As we approached the house I could see the relieved look on Denise’s mother’s face. She had seen us laugh. So she knew that things couldn’t have been as bad as she had feared. I made a sideways gesture to her not to ask. Being the sensitive person she is she immediately understood and waited until later to phone and tell me that her daughter had again become her talkative self. However, Denise still hadn’t told her mother about Patsy. "She’ll tell you before long. You’ll probably be relieved, feeling that it wasn’t such a big deal. Just don’t say, 'Is that all!’"

Shortly thereafter Denise’s mother called again."She told me. I was so angry at what Patsy had done that I really raved and ranted against that little _____. Denise and I had a long, long talk after that. At the end she gave me a big warm hug and said something so sweet and odd it made me cry. It was:

"Oh Mom, you’re all loyalty and commitment."

To read more about Dr. Fuller and her helpful articles visit her web site: http://www.ballstickbird.com