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by Dr. Paul Donahue
November 5, 2007 - - When parents are asked "what traits do you want your
child to have?" one of the top responses is "to be compassionate and
caring." Parents want to raise their children to be thoughtful and generous.
Look at the most effective ways to teach children about generosity of spirit,
kindness, and putting others before yourself, says Dr. Paul Donahue, top child
psychologist, lecturer, and author of "Parenting Without Fear: Letting Go of
Worry and Focusing on What Really Matters" (St. Martin's Press).
Dr. Donahue explains, "If we want our kids to be more giving, we need to
catch them in the act. Praising kids for small deeds of kindness lets them
know that we value this behavior and we see evidence of their good
intentions and thoughtful work. These can include often overlooked moments
like sharing a toy or clearing a dinner plate. Parents should use those
moments to make a positive comment like 'nice sharing with your friends
today." The child will then see that being helpful is valued. This will set
the stage early on for children wanting to be thoughtful."
Dr. Donahue says it is a parents' job to let kids know that they are proud
of the moments when they think of others and put their desires on hold short
or long term. "The more we affirm decency and charitable instincts early on,
the more likely we are to see this behavior repeated as they grow up and
become adults." He suggests these tips for parents to help them foster
compassion in their children:
Give kids opportunities to help at home: Young children need to be given
responsibilities at home - picking up clothing, setting the table - to feel
like they are pitching in and doing their fair share. It isn't just about
teaching them to work hard, but it also helps them to understand that they
are part of a family and beholden to others.
Teach respect: Don't assume that kids know what we expect from them. If we
allow them to speak rudely or make unreasonable demands on us or other
adults and don't call them on their behavior, then we can't blame them for
being that way. Children need to hear clear messages about how to treat
others when they are young, if we want them to become polite and well
mannered later.
Be a model: No one is perfect but if we want our children to be respectful
and decent to others, then they have to see this behavior from their
parents. Parents who can control their frustrations with other people and
"let the small stuff go" and remember to "be polite to see polite," are
likely to see that their children will follow their lead.
Contribute to the community: Teach the value of service by making cards for
an ailing relative, visiting elderly neighbors, helping a local cause, or
joining a local non profit group as a family. Kids with hands-on experience
usually enjoy themselves and feel good about their efforts, and these early
experiences often have a lifelong effect.
Appreciate what they have: Parents need to remind their children - and
themselves - to be grateful for all they have and to remember to give thanks
and stop and smell the roses.
Paul J. Donahue, Ph.D., founder and director of Child Development Associates
in Scarsdale, NY is a consultant to the Georgetown University Child
Development Center and the National Head Start Association. He is a frequent
lecturer and speaker for parents, schools and mental health professionals
around the country and has been interviewed and featured in dozens of media
outlets on parenting issues, including Parents, Family Circle, Redbook,
Associated Press, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The New York
Daily News and New York Newsday. In addition to his book "Parenting without
Fear," he is the co-author of Mental Health Consultation in Early Childhood,
and has published numerous articles in trade books and journals. He lives in
Westchester County with his wife and three children. For more info:
www.drpauldonahue.com .
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