March 12, 2008

A pastor once said that every family has been touched in some way by divorce, either in the immediate family or the extended family. God established the family unit to be father and mother raising their children together. When divorce occurs, insecurity, anger, fear, and mistrust are on the short list of emotions that both parents and children experience. My hope in writing the following is to give direction to parents in divorce situations.

When there is a divorce, the children also suffer and behave in unusual ways as they learn to cope with unnatural loss. I say unnatural because they can neither point to one experience as the cause of the break-up nor explain the problem in such a way as to make sense of it. The younger the child, the more overtly fearful he tends to act. Crying more than usual, hanging on tightly to Mommy as she leaves to do the shopping, and grabbing Daddy’s pant leg as he leaves for work are all normal behaviors for the child. Sleeplessness and temper tantrums are also normal.

The pre-teen tends to be stonily silent, yet the silence screams out, increasing parental guilt and confusion. This silence is the normal way a child this age can cope with a situation he can do nothing about as he struggles to make sense out of a tragic time. This thinking goes on for days, making it difficult for him to concentrate on his schoolwork. He may attend to school in body, but he participate less and may be accused of daydreaming.

The teen usually reacts by either using silence or its opposite, throwing verbal barbs that go right to the parent’s heart. The teen still has no control over the situation, but wants the parents to know how devastated he is, without showing his pain. He may stop trying to do well academically. "After all, who cares anyway?" is his thinking.

It is also not uncommon for children of any age to begin to lie and act out in sometimes horrific ways. My experience as a registered therapist is that most children lie when they feel powerless. They think that they can control at least one area of their life when everything else is out of their control. They believe they have no power to change anything. The parents have chosen a path that does not fit the child’s ideal and nothing can be done about it.

A parent should expect that his child will encounter times of distress when he goes through a developmental stage. Puberty brings about many changes in a child’s life, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as the child becomes more aware of social situations that he did not notice in prepubescence. Now he must question again why the divorce happened to him. It takes a strong parent to be willing to go through the pain of questioning once again, but it must be done so that the child will see that life goes on and one can have a happy and fulfilling life.
If your child is going through a time of rebellion, the following suggestions are given, not only to help you cope, but to help you and your child succeed in your relationship as a family.

If at all possible, both mother and father should come to an agreement as to what they expect from the child. A united front should be presented regarding discipline, consequences, and educational goals. If the parents are not able to do so without rancor, then the parent who is willing to stand his ground for the child’s sake should come up with the above alone. This is not ideal, but it is reality. Once the parent has decided upon a plan, he will be more secure in presenting it to the child. When the meeting with the child is scheduled, make sure to tell the child that it is a serious meeting meant to build family unity.

The discussion with the child should be done after much prayer and thought because everyone is going to be walking on uncharted territory. The child will be expected to listen respectfully and to respond honestly, but he may be hurtful or resentful as he expresses his feelings. The parents must try hard to think clearly and nonjudgmentally. If possible, begin the meeting with prayer together. Then impress upon your child that you are a family and need to work together. Focus on your plan, not on the child’s past misbehavior. After all, it is just a symptom of a problem, not unlike chicken pox is a sign of illness. By going to the root of the problem and also looking to the future, the parent is focusing on hope, not past problems.

Be clear in establishing guidelines. Be fair in expectations, taking into consideration the child’s age and emotional level. Be honest in accepting a share in the problem, but do not grovel in despair. The parent must expect honor and respect. The parent must give respect and gentleness, with firmness as befits adulthood.

Educational issues will most likely come up in the conversation. The child or teen may be getting poor grades because he was ‘out of touch’ with the class due to inner despair and confusion. It may be important to find out where the child is academically by means of an achievement test to establish academic levels and ‘holes’ in his education. For the remainder of the school year, choose together to concentrate on one weak area at a time rather than trying to raise all subject grades. Talk with the teacher about ways to help the child.

Encourage the teen to become involved with a church youth group so he can see that he is not alone in his struggles. The youth leader and members will not only talk with your child, but also do normal activities such as ski parties, Bible studies, and volunteer work. These activities will lend an air of normalcy to your child when he desperately needs to know he’s not different.

By being willing to focus on a plan if your family goes through a divorce, you are taking an active role in solving problems related to it. God will provide all the wisdom and help in every situation. Enlist the support of a good friend to stand with you in prayer. Accept help when needed and continue to enjoy your children as you grow together in love.

Shirley M. R. Minster M. S. Ed., is a popular friend of homeschoolers in New England and nation wide. Founder of Home Education & Family Services, a full-time service organization offering a wide variety of helps and resources for homeschooling families, and Royal Academy, a unique alternative education school based upon the homeschool model, Shirley has worked in the field of education and with homeschooling families located all over the world for over 25years.